I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Randomize
