i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
