great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
