seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
