just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
