jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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