So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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