talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
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