Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
