I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
