life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
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