Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
