that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
