Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
