I want to make a zoo with you.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Vodka?
Forever.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
