Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize