Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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