Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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