Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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