i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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