How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
