Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
