I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Randomize
