He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
