Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
