There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Randomize
