He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
