your parents love me but you hate me
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
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