You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
