I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
