I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
