tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
My bed smells like the plague
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
