My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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