I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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