I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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