Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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