Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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