Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
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