never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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