Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
