Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
