you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Found your dick twin last night
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
