well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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