remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
