My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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