I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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