i wish semen tasted like chocolate
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
