I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
