if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Boobs are out for the taking
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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