i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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