i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
not ubering you a puppy
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
