He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
