u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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