I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
