i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize